Living with C-PTSD

It’s interesting to me that often times we have to move away from what is familiar in order to realise the toxicity of what we are living with.

Growing up in an abusive household was my normal. I didn’t know any different. I had an inner gut feeling that what I was experiencing was not okay. It is only since I have moved 370 miles away from everything I have ever known, to begin a healing process I knew I needed, but had to realise how much, that I began to realise the extreme toxicity of the environment in which I grew up and the impact that has had on my mental and physical health.

I was given a vision before we made the move away from the place I’d called home all my life. It was a picture of myself with shackles around my wrists and ankles and chains that were holding me down. As we crossed the border from England into Scotland those chains fell off. This vision encouraged me to know we were making the right move but also that my future involved freedom from my past. I am working hard on healing, it is a process but even lots of small steps are still steps forward. There is a future of freedom from all that has held me down. I’ve hidden away parts of who I am for so long, living in fear due to the upbringing I had. No more. We can only heal from that which is not hidden away in the dark places. When we can look at our pain right in the eye, feel it, process it and release it. The generational trauma that runs through my family stops with me. I will not pass it on to the generations that will follow me.

I won’t go into great detail and as I write this I am still working on my healing and still processing my trauma. As you (hopefully) continue to read my blogs and get to know me you will see how my faith and relationship with Jesus is what carries me through, it’s what sustains me and gives me hope for a future where I am no longer living in a daily trauma response but in true freedom.

Each traumatic event could take such a long time to discuss and each one intermingles with another. It isn’t so much the trauma I went through, but the lack of emotional support and help from those who should’ve been there to protect me and help me work through all the emotions and difficulties I went through. I was alone and that is what impacted my journey so much. The list I am about to go through begins at age 6 and continues up until the present day, the first few before I was 16 years old and then the rest, apart from the last few, occurred before I was 26.

I was sexually molested at a young age. My Grandad dropped dead in the middle of a snooker match – he was my safe place away from the abuse. I had many reactions to food to the point the only thing I was able to take were nutritional drinks whilst being pumped with antihistamines. One of my best friends died of biliary atresia. We found my FIL dead in his flat (this could literally be an episode of Shetland). I watched my MIL fight for her life and held her hand as she died as a result of a brain haemorrhage. My Nana died after being admitted to hospital with a broken hip. I was married one month later. I had birth trauma resulting in a blood transfusion. My 6 week old son was diagnosed with congenital idiopathic nystagmus. I had a severe reaction to Chinese take-away resulting in an ambulance trip. The minister at our church was kicked out for abusing vulnerable women. I had a miscarriage. I had birth trauma from my 2nd delivery. I went no contact with my family.

I now have a diagnosis of Complex-PTSD. PTSD is well known amongst soldiers returning from active duty. The Complex part is due to the fact the trauma was over a long period of time, but also each separate trauma compounds the one before.

Childhood trauma literally changes the way your brain develops. I’ve lived in a constant state of fear, shame and unworthiness amongst many things for so many years. It is only recently, since having to go no contact (which was not an easy decision and does not mean I don’t love my family) that I have been able to actively focus on healing rather than just surviving.

Living with C-PTSD is exhausting. Trauma teaches us we don’t deserve love or can’t experience it. In order to meet this need we pour so much of ourselves into loving other people, usually leaving us depleted and burnt out.

Growing up in an environment where you are unable to express your emotions, let alone have an opinion on something, where you are ignored and do not have a voice, makes it extremely difficult to reach out for help when you need it. Experience has taught you that no-one will be there for you. If we do reach out and are disappointed with someone’s inability to be there for us, it can be extremely painful as it seems to validate that even though we are seen, we are not worthy of someone else’s time or energy. It can be especially hard for us to recognise toxic people for who they are and believe we have always been worthy of being loved. This takes work.

I never had a “before” to my trauma. Being so young when I was sexually abused, I do not know a life that isn’t lived in survival mode. I am hyper-vigilant, catastrophize, always preparing for the next trauma to come along, unable to feel safe in my body. My nervous system is extremely dysregulated. Healing is difficult because I have to teach my nervous system that I am safe when we have never been safe or know what it actually feels like. There is such complexity to the trauma and to the healing. Healthy and safe feels so unfamiliar, it takes a long time. With prayer, perseverance, therapy and a good support network, healing is possible and a healthy and prosperous life free from the effects of trauma is possible.

My hope for the content that I put out through this website and ministry is that other Christians will find encouragement and hope. A place where they are understood, supported and loved for exactly who they are right now. We are all broken in one way or another, but if we refocus towards healing and walking with Jesus together in community, it is a good a place as any to start.

I’m excited to see all the testimonies that will come from prayers prayed here in faith.

Many blessings,

Kaz