When Relationships Fall Apart

It is inevitable throughout our lives that we won’t hold onto all the relationships we have for ever. Sometimes people drift apart naturally, sometimes we go through a metamorphosis which means we cannot go forward into the next phase of our lives with the same people and other times we have to choose to walk away from toxic people in order to choose ourselves and look after our own mental health and physical health. There are many reasons and what is right for us may not be right for others. We should always pray about our situation, listen for Holy Spirit to answer us and follow his lead.

God may lead us to step away from people even though we love them deeply and really care for them. We may understand the reasons why God is asking us to step away and even though we feel peace in that decision it doesn’t necessarily stop the hurting from losing someone we thought would be in our lives still. There is so much complexity in relationships. Relationship issues may be able to be resolved where both parties are willing to actively listen and really tune in to what the other person is seeing, letting go of their own perceptions, but being willing to have those hard conversations where we have to admit the part we played in the breakdown and work on our own healing at the same time as making space for the other person to do the same. If this is unachievable then it may be time to walk away. This can be done in agreement without defensiveness and causing more hurt, if both parties are emotionally mature enough to walk through those tough conversations.

In my own life I had to choose to walk away from my parents. I had moved 370 miles away from the home I had grown up in all my life. I had written letters to my parents explaining where I was in my mental health and approaching subjects that had been swept under the rug for many many years. It was extremely clear from the response that I received that this was not a relationship where honest conversations could be had and we could move forward into some kind of a relationship. That’s not to say it will be this way forever, but I know that right now this is the right thing for me. Understand that I have prayed long and hard – I regularly check in with God to see if this is still the right thing for me. Currently for my mental and physical health it is better for myself and my own family that we protect ourselves from their toxic influence. I have studied the Word of God, and understanding God’s character and heart towards me, I do not believe he would have me tormented in the way I was whilst in relationship with my family. I am breaking generational curses and healing so that my children and future generations have true freedom and will not have to spend the years healing that I have myself.

I have also lost friendships that really hurt, and I really do miss them and care for them. And in these cases I know that the parts of my trauma that are currently unhealed have affected these relationships. I made excuses for other peoples behaviour towards me and accepted things that I never would have if I had believed in myself more. I also step away so that I can re-focus on healing the parts of me that need healing so that I can have healthy friendships in the future.

The thing is we cannot look outside of God for those needs to be met that we have a deep need for. We need to be so secure in who we are in Jesus and how God sees us that we won’t accept being treated any other way. And we will be able to pour love into other people, knowing when and how to ensure we take care of ourselves too. You cannot pour from an empty cup. We cannot give so much of ourselves to someone else that we end up completely drained. I have found myself here many times. Pouring so much into someone else, trying to meet a need in myself so that I could feel loved and worth someone’s time. When what I needed to do was focus on how much God loves me, trust in Him to guide me to healing the parts of me that need it. The truth is people react out of their own experience. Often times, when people treat us a certain way, it says way more about where they are in their walk than anything about us. Everyone has an off day, everyone is dealing with something, it is when those behaviours become repetitive, or there is no apology with repentance, no desire to change. The Holy Spirit will lead you into all truth if you trust in Him. Those gut feelings you get will tell you if this relationship is one you should be investing your time into. A good indicator is if you feel safe around them. If you can relax and be your true self.

We have not been called to be close friends with everyone. It says in the Word of God that you will know them by their fruit. If you are unsure, look at the fruit in the lives of those people you are in relationship with. It can take time for people to reveal who they really are to you, but they will in time.

Lord, I pray for each person reading this blog today that they will have nourishing relationships with those around them, people who stand by them in times of need, people who meet them right where they need to be met. I pray that if there is any person that you want to remove from their lives that you do this. Reveal to each person the truth and guide them into investing in the relationships that are healthy for them. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.