Navigating through hard seasons

Over the course of my 42 years I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on healing. It’s been something I’ve felt I always had to strive for before I could be truly loved. I never felt like anyone could love me fully until I’d achieved a certain level of healing, which to me meant I would then be able to do all the things other people expected of me or wanted of me. I’ve had CBT, psychotherapy, counselling, and they all helped to some extent for a while but then every time I had a trigger or a setback, all the old patterns would return and I’d feel like I had to start all over again. There were even times in my teen years when I was medicated but medication has never really helped, it may tackle one or two symptoms but it doesn’t look at the root cause which I believe is needed if we are ever going to heal from trauma.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it. I can look back now and see why things didn’t work, where my thinking was wrong, where my belief in who I believed God to be was wrong, why I had to move on from relationships. So many things. I’m learning, along with many other lessons, that looking back isn’t the best way to move forward.

This last six months have been painfully hard. At the beginning of the year the word God gave me was restoration. I was excited, this was my year. My year to have restored to me all the years that have been lost to trauma. The year that good would come out of all the pain and hurt I’ve been through. So when April arrived and I was hit with what I will call mental health burnout it was hard to hold onto that promise. I’ve been walking with God a long time now – over 30 years – and I know often times perseverance and obedience are key aspects of seeing breakthrough and miracles come to pass. Refusing to give up on the word God had given me and speak against what the enemy was trying to do. I was exhausted, I couldn’t drive, tackle any housework, make food, walk any distance. I had panic attacks every day, so bad I was almost begging my husband to take me to the hospital because I felt so awful. I was going through a lot of emotional pain at the time as well. I can see looking back how much this had affected me. I had to let go of a close relationship and it really hurt my heart but I felt peace about letting it go. I can see now that I would not have been able to get to where I am today if I had stayed in that relationship but I still grieve for what I’d hoped it could have been. I’m learning that you can hold two opposites at the same time. You can be at peace about a decision whilst still being hurt and sad about it.

During the time I was extremely ill these last six months I was also having EMDR therapy in order to reprocess some trauma memories. This was helping, I could feel myself relaxing a little. I could envision a time where I would not react out of my trauma wounds. It was a slow process but there was movement forward and I was excited about getting back on track. Then one day my therapist said he felt he was at a blind alley with me and he could no longer help me, that it would be best to end the sessions. I was gutted but I knew there was no point trying to force something if the therapist couldn’t even see a way out. The daily panic attacks came flooding back and I had no energy to tackle even the simplest of tasks. Life was hard and it brought old feelings back of being a burden to everyone around me.

I knew if I was to attain true healing that it would come from God, through people. After a hard couple of weeks I happened across a Christian Mental Health Coach and decided to get in touch. The first step was to look at my core beliefs – what did I really believe about myself. The thing is – when you really do want to focus on healing and moving past trauma – you really need to look closely at yourself, be honest about where you are and what you believe and be open enough to share it with a trusted support person. I’ve always read my bible and chatted with God. I’ve always known his truths are available to anyone who asks him in, he doesn’t demand our love, but he does want it. I’ve always struggled to believe in my heart that all those truths belong to me too. There’s a huge difference between having the intellectual knowledge of God and a heart knowledge of God. The ways and mysteries of God pass human understanding but I believe can be felt in the heart.

And so as I started to look myself in the mirror and repeat the promises and truths of God over my life. It slowly started to sink into my heart. It takes commitment. This isn’t something that once you feel it’s worked you can put it to one side and focus on something else. This is a daily practice. As new things come up for me I find myself having to repeat those truths.

I have also used somatic movements, which have drastically reduced my anxiety, to the point I can move around much better than before. I’m eating better and taking care of myself better. It’s a mix of so many things. I can see now how God is restoring, he’s been working on me this whole time. A huge part of healing for me is understanding we control our minds, we control what we think on. We may not control the thoughts that come in, but we certainly control what we do with them. The closer we are to God, the more we understand and fully know how he feels about us, the more likely we are to instantly reject anything that doesn’t line up with it.

Six months ago, I was fearful of so much, I allowed other people to manipulate me, I was so focussed on helping others and being there for them that I completely lost sight of myself and who I was. I would react out of trauma wounds and end up hurting other people and myself in the process. By working on my healing, I no longer catastrophise scenarios, I am much less anxious, I am able to live more in the present and not worry about future events, I am able to say no when I need to and I am able to actually look myself in the mirror and be proud of myself for surviving.

Now it’s time to thrive.

I’m still on this healing journey, it’s a lifelong thing. There will be things that come up from the past and new things that may trigger old feelings but with these tools that I have learnt I believe I will be able to move through them and not get stuck in fight or flight for weeks on end. It’s not about never feeling hurt, or never having to walk through things. It’s about being able to walk through them without getting stuck there. It’s about pouring out some love and compassion back onto yourself, relieving yourself of any pressure the outside world places upon you.

You are loved so much for who you are. It’s up to you to believe it. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you, unless you believe it and are able to receive it for yourself it won’t make any difference.

If you would like to learn for yourself how to calm your nervous system down and how to stop just surviving life but thrive as a son or daughter of God, able to walk freely in all that he has planned for you follow the links on the right to some resources that I have found extremely helpful. One size doesn’t fit all, it’s about researching and finding the things that work for you. As I looked into things I found that neuroscience really is a compliment to what God has always told us as far as renewing the mind is concerned. I would ask you to pray about it, see where the Holy Spirit guides you. Whatever you have been through may not be your fault, but your healing is down to you.